Confession: I started a different blog last year. I wrote exactly one entry and published it. I didn't tell anyone but my husband of its existence (which means we are the only two people who have seen it), thinking that I would be one of those super cool "anonymous" bloggers, because my stories would be so personal and my thoughts so deep and real, that withholding my name was the only way to be completely honest and not hurt any of my loved one's feelings. (Yeah, I've got people-pleasing issues. Thanks for pointing that out.)
I spent entirely too much time trying to come up with a title that was philosophical and I talked to my husband, L, about all of these ideas of what I was going to say on the blog, how I was going approach it as a life journey towards becoming happier with myself, specifically related to losing weight, liking what I saw in the mirror, loving myself, etc. Good ideas, but slightly misguided (not to mention egocentric). I was then introduced to a book that has completely changed my outlook and how I approach myself image.
If you haven't read "Health At Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight" by Linda Bacon, I very much recommend it. I will probably write an entire post dedicated to this book, but for now, let's just say that its perspective helped me to shift my thought processes towards being healthy, not worrying about my weight, learning to listen to my own body and trust what it has to say, self-loving instead of self-loathing, and most importantly, taking the words diet and exercise out of my everyday thoughts (for a lot of us, myself included, these words have a negative connotation). They have been replaced with "what does my body need right now" and "how can I incorporate more movement that I enjoy into my life".
Because my approach to myself shifted so radically, obviously my "old" blog would never do - so welcome to the new blog! (Time will show whether I stick with this or not, but right now, my positivity is outranking my sarcastic realism, so let's just go with it for now.)
I had a pretty amazing conversation with my husband, L, last night. It was one of those "insight into my own soul" conversations, and I was once again reminded what an amazing man he is and how I am truly blessed. I realized that for me, happiness has usually been a destination. I will be happy when....fill in the blank. My "blank" usually was at least one of the following: when I get to college, when I have a boyfriend/husband/am in a good relationship, when my boyfriend/husband is happy, when I lose weight, when I'm healthy, when I graduate, when I have a baby, when I own my own home, when I get a new job, when I don't have to shop in the plus size department, when I sell my condo, and most recently, when I move to Texas (L and I are moving to Texas in less than 3 weeks - more details on that later). See, I've lived my life to this point looking for the ending, and not realizing that happiness can be mine now. More importantly, if I don't have happiness now, I won't find it when I get to where I think it is. There will always be something else that I don't have/need/want to make my life easier/more complete, and if I continue on this path, true happiness and contentment on a daily basis will always remain out of reach.
So this morning at 2 AM, my brain woke me up and started churning with thoughts of starting a new blog (Side note: does anyone else have a brain that seems to have a mind of its own? It doesn't seem to care if the rest of the body is tired - if it's ready to work, then sleep is not likely). This blog is still egocentric, in that it is about me and my journey. However, I'm no longer writing it as some "gift to humanity and big girls everywhere". Instead, it is a documentation of how far I have come, and an opportunity to revel in the beauty and gifts that I am surrounded with all the time. It is a safe place to document my successes and my failures, and to try and discover joy. If you enjoy reading it, that's great! If not, I encourage you to quit reading and find something that you do enjoy. Either way, I am working towards finding my happiness today where I am at this moment.
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