Moving to Texas

We have now lived in Texas for almost two weeks, which just seems crazy to me. We actually had movers come and pack up our house on a Tuesday. It was VERY odd to be sitting by while three completely strangers put all of your stuff in boxes. That being said, if you can ever afford to move this way (or have your company pay for your move, which is how we did it), I highly recommend it. So the movers came, packed, and left with our stuff on a Tuesday. We spent our last night in our house on an air mattress, and it was a little like camping, but with air conditioning and a good shower, which is how I like to camp anyway.

The truck has arrived!

Loading the car onto the same truck.

Wednesday, we began our adventure West. We stopped in Memphis to see some of our favorite people, then spent the night in a hotel in Little Rock. We didn't push through for two reasons: we had Sprout, the wonder cat with us and we didn't know how he was going to travel, and we had to get to our apartment in the middle of the day to get our keys, which either meant leaving at an ungodly hour in the morning, or splitting the trip into 2 days. Sprout was a great traveler, thanks to some "kitty valium" that our vet provided, but by Thursday, all 3 of us were ready to be in our new home.

My sister, and her three littles - some of our favorite people!

L and I were debating whether or not to spend the night in our new apartment with the cat, or whether we should get a hotel room. That decision was made for us when the smoke detectors started beeping for new batteries and we were without a ladder. Friday, we spent the day beginning to become familiar with the immediate area, and Saturday, our stuff finally arrived. So off the truck everything, including one of our cars, came, and now, we live in a sea of boxes. (Those that know me know that this is not how I usually roll - I like everything out of boxes and put away as soon as possible. But this time, I confess, I'm tired - so I've given myself permission to do this at my own pace. This will probably mean that not much will get done until the week before we have out of town guests for the first time - then it will be "all hands on deck"!)

Anyone want to help me unpack?

So far, living in Texas, specifically north Dallas, since I have been informed that each part of Texas is unique, here are a few of my observations:

• All of the street lights and intersections have cameras, and apparently, they work. This does not bode well for me. It appears I have picked up some nasty habits, being a Tennessee driver all these years. I have already confessed to L that I may or may not have run 3 red lights my first week here, so if at some point in the future, a ticket (or 2 or 3) shows up in the mail, he should not be surprised. I have also committed to slowing down, both in speed and in mindset, so that this does not become a regular occurrence.
• The weather has been absolutely BEAUTIFUL! Yes, I know that Texas gets hot. Really hot. However, this was a wonderful welcome and a surprise.
• My headaches per week ratio has drastically diminished. This alone was reason enough for L (and me) to be happy to be in Texas.
• I am easily overwhelmed, and while this is not a major thing for a lot of people, I have not always been this way, so this is still somewhat new to me. I am, therefore, trying to accept this about myself, and give myself the space, time, and permission to deal with things as they come, on my own terms.
• Visiting Ikea 3 times in less than 2 weeks is not unreasonable.
• Not all Mexican food is created equal, and while it may be helpful to get recommendations at first, you really have to just get out there and try them yourself to find a good fit for you. 
• If you put a cat in a crate, then put them in a car, and travel with them for 2 days, when you finally get to your destination and they realize they aren't being moved anymore, they are a LOT more affectionate. 

Sprout finding new and wonderful places to sleep.

Anger

Warning: This blog post is about my recent revelations in dealing with anger. Yes, I am aware that this is a "happiness" blog, but I swear it will make sense in the end (at least, it does in my mind). Still, if this isn't your cup of tea, feel free to skip it and quit reading at this point. 

I don't know about anyone else, but anger is not an emotion that I admit to easily. I'm not saying that I'm not ever angry (that would be a bold-faced lie), but I prefer to say that I am irritated, annoyed, frustrated, etc., rather than ever admit that I am just plain angry. It wasn't until very recently that I admitted to myself (and my husband) that I actively worked to say I was feeling anything BUT anger, because somewhere along the way, I got it into my head that being angry was somehow....well, wrong. (L can tell you that my revelation of not saying "I'm angry" was not a revelation to him, and my therapist would agree, but they were both proud when I finally verbalized it - ah, well, it seems we are always the last to see the truth about ourselves.)

So hear I was, NOT being angry, but very frustrated, annoyed, and irritated. And because I wasn't angry, I didn't really need to try and figure out what was causing the anger. It really was that driver who was going slower than I wanted to that was completely to blame for "irritating" me, and thus he absolutely deserved the verbal beating that I gave him from the safety of my own car. It most certainly was being asked to do another project at work when I already had a full schedule that "frustrated" me, and therefore, when a co-worker asked me a question a few minutes later, I was less-than patient or pleasant.

Instead of acknowledging my true emotions and feelings, and then exploring what may be at their root, I instead refuse to deal with it by minimizing the issue (yes, it really was that driver or my co-worker, etc. It couldn't possibly be any old, unresolved issue that I never truly dealt with.). The problem with minimizing is that you don't make the problem smaller - you just bury it deeper inside. I personally, am extremely practiced at burying my "negative" feelings deep inside. (This is also common in "people-pleasers", as they tend to not want to inconvenience anyone with "their minor problems".) Then those feelings fester and grow, and usually end up manifesting themselves into quite a lovely bought of sickness combined with depression. This results in my desire to only sleep - not function, not deal with the world, not shower (sorry L!) - just sleep. And when I'm not asleep, I'm anxious. And when you ask me what's wrong or what is making me anxious, I honestly can't tell you, because I have buried the true causes so deeply.

So here I was, in one of these lovely cycles a week or so ago (I generally refer to them as "funks"), and I am curled up on the couch and L is sitting in the chair just looking at me. He asks what is wrong, and I respond as I often do with, "I don't know," wishing he would just quit looking at me, so I could go on wallowing in my pitiful state. But he doesn't quit looking at me; it's a look of compassion, and actual pain - because he can't make it better for me and seeing me in pain seems to truly hurt him. And so, before I even realize it, I begin talking to try and fill the quietness in the room that has unsettled me. At first, I don't even know what I'm going to say, so I start saying anything and everything that pops into my mind. (I actually called it "verbal diarrhea" at the time, which grossed me out and I can't believe I said it because that is one of those words that just makes me gag - my therapist later called it a stream of consciousness, which doesn't sound even remotely gross, so I'm going to go with that from now on.)

This conversation ended up going on for a while, and eventually led to several different personal breakthroughs, including realizing that happiness had, to that point, been a destination for me and not something I was truly experiencing in the present (and hence, was the inspiration for this blog). But I also acknowledged that there were things in my life that I was angry about - deaths, illnesses, lost/damaged relationships - and I don't think I had ever really given myself permission to be angry about them before. It's not that I haven't grieved during these times, but I just seem to skip over the anger portion of the grieving cycle, which any counselor/therapist/pastor/wise-friend worth their salt will tell you doesn't work.

When you bury your emotions, any emotion, and don't deal with it, it will usually find another way to come back up to the surface. In my case, these unresolved feelings came back tenfold in the form of anxiety. Growing up, I have always prided myself on being a strong person. So why now, in the past two years, have I started having anxiety attacks, to the point that medication was needed as an intervention? Ironically, had this exact same thing happened to anyone of my dear friends, I would have pointed out what seemed like the obvious to my husband, "she/he has not dealt with (fill in the blank) completely, and it is now wreaking havoc on their body". (See, I'm crazy smart and insightful when it comes to other people!) Depending on the situation, I might even find a kind way to try and bring it up to that friend. But I'm newly on my journey to treat myself as a friend, so my own insight into my own hurting is not quite as developed as seeing the hurt in the people I love.

Let's see if I can bring this back to focus and state it in simple terms for myself:

My unresolved anger leads to anxiety, which interferes with my ability to be happy. 

That's really all there is to it. So, as a matter of self-preservation and a desire to continue on my journey towards contentment and happiness in my own life and with my own self, I have asked my husband to help me. Anytime he sees me descending into a funk, he has my permission to make me go for a walk. It doesn't have to be a long walk, but I have to at least walk around the block. Either the fresh air will help pull me out of my funk (this has happened on occasion), or, (the more likely scenario), is that I will get mad at him for not leaving me alone, and will therefore start talking about why I am angry - which will then lead me to a verbal stream of consciousness, and thus, begin to deal with the emotions that started this lovely funk in the first place. This plan of attack may not work for anyone else, and it may not always work for me, but it seems like a really good place to start. And I freely admit, after talking and talking during that conversation with L last week, I felt so much better. L even said he could see that I was "lighter".

My advice to myself, and anyone who can use it, is this:

When you are frustrated, irritated, angry, annoyed, anxious, sad, etc, find someone to talk to who will just sit and listen. If you can't find anyone to listen, just start talking out loud (I do not recommend you do this where you can be overheard - trust me on this one!) Talk until you don't know what to say, then continue talking. Eventually, you will say something that makes your brain go, "Ah ha! That's it! That's what has been bothering me!" And just acknowledging those thoughts and feelings can, and will, make all the difference.

Finding happiness in random places

I am trying to notice those little moments in life that make me smile, and take the time, at that moment, to truly enjoy them. I was surfing some websites at lunch, and I happened upon an article entitled "Find Happiness in Unexpected Places". This article seemed perfect for my current approach to life, so I opened it up and was unexpectedly delighted to find the word "rejigger" in the sub-heading (for the curious, the sub-heading says "It's possible to rejigger your brain circuitry and feel more joy, even on Monday mornings. Here's how.") It occurred to me at that moment that I was physically smiling, and so I began to focus on those little things in life that have brought me joy in the past few days. Below is a list of some of those that I was able to identify quickly:

1. Seeing the word "rejigger" randomly in an article online, then saying it out loud and making myself laugh.

2. Spotting the family of turkeys that I looked for each time we drove down a back road near our house, but that I haven't seen since Thanksgiving, and was convinced had been shot and eaten. I might have also driven completely out of my way home tonight to try and take their picture, but they were out doing their own turkey-thing and not hanging out next to the road. Maybe next time.

3. Buying FOUR new bras without any guilt related to the "extravagance". (Since the bra I was wearing actually broke while I was in the dressing room, it was also a very timely purchase!)

4. Sitting and chatting with my amazing Grammy on Saturday afternoon about everything and nothing for two hours. L said that as we chatted, my southern accent kept getting stronger and stronger. Actually, what he said was as the two of us were talking, I "went really southern really quickly".

5. Dancing in my parents' kitchen to an oldies station with my mom, just like we used to when I was little.

6. Buying more boxes and packing materials at Home Depot because we are moving.

7. Watching our cat, Sprout, spin himself in circles on our freshly-made bed because he loves the feel of the quilt.

Those are the items that quickly come to mind that have brought me joy since Saturday. Not bad! My goal is to not only be more aware of these little delights, but also to be more present when they happen.

Life....rebooted

L and I have made some major decisions and plans in the recent months. We have been planning a change. We have always wanted to travel, but first, we wanted to pay off our consumer debt. We have also wanted to move. I have lived in the middle Tennessee area for most of my life, but have always wanted to live someplace new; L is a "PK" (preacher's kid, for the uninitiated), so he is used to moving every few years. Add those together and you have a recipe for a couple who are ready for their next adventure, preferably one in a different state. 

You know that post on Facebook from a person you knew in high school but haven't seen since but you keep in your "Friends" list mainly just to keep tabs on them (occasionally  envying and/or judging them). The one where they posted that they are doing this amazing thing, like training for an Ironman or backpacking through Australia for a year. That post where you read it and think to yourself, "Self, that sounds hard. And stressful. I don't think I would be able to do that (too much going on, too many responsibilities, not enough flexibility, etc), but man, I wish I could"? Well, I finally got to be that person last week! And it felt GREAT!!! (The fact that my husband had more people comment on his posting than I did only diminished that feeling slightly ;).) We announced that we are moving to Texas, north Dallas specifically, in three weeks (two weeks now). L has a great job opportunity there to work with people he has worked with in the past and loves, and of all the places in the USA, this is the only other place that my company has another office, so I can transfer and keep my same job. It is just too perfect!

This move provides extra income, which moves us along the "getting out of debt" road. It is in a place that neither of us have lived before, so a completely new adventure for the two of us to experience together. It is the reboot to our lives that we have been looking for! (It is also hot, which is going to be interesting for two people who prefer sweaters to t-shirts.)

This journey is not going to make me happy, however. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely happy that we are moving (and excited, and giddy, and little bit impatient). But I am happy today, so I don't need anything to happen to weeks from now to "make" me happy.

I had my last appointment with my current therapist today (yes, I see a therapist, and yes, I believe that everyone can benefit from a good therapist at various times in their lives). It was actually fun to talk with her about the progress I have made, not just since I started seeing her about a year ago, but also since my last appointment. It was nice to have someone else reaffirm the changes that I am seeing in myself, and I'm excited to continue on my journey to becoming the best possible version of myself.

(Side note: Brandi apologies for the rambling, long, run-on sentences that can be found in this post. Also for talking about herself in the third-person. She does not promise it won't happen again.)

In the pursuit of happiness....

Confession: I started a different blog last year. I wrote exactly one entry and published it. I didn't tell anyone but my husband of its existence (which means we are the only two people who have seen it), thinking that I would be one of those super cool "anonymous" bloggers, because my stories would be so personal and my thoughts so deep and real, that withholding my name was the only way to be completely honest and not hurt any of my loved one's feelings. (Yeah, I've got people-pleasing issues. Thanks for pointing that out.)

I spent entirely too much time trying to come up with a title that was philosophical and I talked to my husband, L, about all of these ideas of what I was going to say on the blog, how I was going approach it as a life journey towards becoming happier with myself, specifically related to losing weight, liking what I saw in the mirror, loving myself, etc. Good ideas, but slightly misguided (not to mention egocentric). I was then introduced to a book that has completely changed my outlook and how I approach myself image.

If you haven't read "Health At Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight" by Linda Bacon, I very much recommend it. I will probably write an entire post dedicated to this book, but for now, let's just say that its perspective helped me to shift my thought processes towards being healthy, not worrying about my weight, learning to listen to my own body and trust what it has to say, self-loving instead of self-loathing, and most importantly, taking the words diet and exercise out of my everyday thoughts (for a lot of us, myself included, these words have a negative connotation). They have been replaced with "what does my body need right now" and "how can I incorporate more movement that I enjoy into my life". 

Because my approach to myself shifted so radically, obviously my "old" blog would never do - so welcome to the new blog! (Time will show whether I stick with this or not, but right now, my positivity is outranking my sarcastic realism, so let's just go with it for now.)

I had a pretty amazing conversation with my husband, L, last night. It was one of those "insight into my own soul" conversations, and I was once again reminded what an amazing man he is and how I am truly blessed. I realized that for me, happiness has usually been a destination. I will be happy when....fill in the blank. My "blank" usually was at least one of the following: when I get to college, when I have a boyfriend/husband/am in a good relationship, when my boyfriend/husband is happy, when I lose weight, when I'm healthy, when I graduate, when I have a baby, when I own my own home, when I get a new job, when I don't have to shop in the plus size department, when I sell my condo, and most recently, when I move to Texas (L and I are moving to Texas in less than 3 weeks - more details on that later). See, I've lived my life to this point looking for the ending, and not realizing that happiness can be mine now. More importantly, if I don't have happiness now, I won't find it when I get to where I think it is. There will always be something else that I don't have/need/want to make my life easier/more complete, and if I continue on this path, true happiness and contentment on a daily basis will always remain out of reach.

So this morning at 2 AM, my brain woke me up and started churning with thoughts of starting a new blog (Side note: does anyone else have a brain that seems to have a mind of its own? It doesn't seem to care if the rest of the body is tired - if it's ready to work, then sleep is not likely). This blog is still egocentric, in that it is about me and my journey. However, I'm no longer writing it as some "gift to humanity and big girls everywhere". Instead, it is a documentation of how far I have come, and an opportunity to revel in the beauty and gifts that I am surrounded with all the time. It is a safe place to document my successes and my failures, and to try and discover joy. If you enjoy reading it, that's great! If not, I encourage you to quit reading and find something that you do enjoy. Either way, I am working towards finding my happiness today where I am at this moment.